The Journal
by Instability-On-Ice
Summary: Harry Potter is known as the Boy-Who-Lived. When he starts a journal his real personality will come to light. Slash AU Found the story and will finally be updating regularly!
1. The First Entries

_Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot and no money is being made from this story._

- Entry One -

I don't know why I'm even bothering to try and write life down in a simple book. It's seems almost pointless in a way. I've never gotten the reasoning behind putting down your thoughts and feeling on paper so that anyone may just come and snatch them away. Not that anyone would even want to read my innermost hopes and dreams. But one can hope can't they?

This was all Hermione's idea. "You need to tell someone what's going in you head Harry and if you won't tell us than at least write it down!" God she can be so annoying sometimes. I can still see the scowl on her face from not knowing everything that goes on in my mind. It's my mind! What right does she have to know everything about it? She doesn't. And I think that might be why I decided to start writing. Though from the looks of things I'm not actually getting anywhere. I've just been rambling on but as I've never had a 'journal' (I refuse to call it a diary) I wouldn't really know what most 'normal' people would write in them. So I'm just kinda winging it and hoping for the best.

I can't wait until next year when I can get out of Hogwarts. I love the old castle but the people in are just too much sometimes. Between Hermione's smothering and Ron's indifference to everything except food and his girlfriend (Hermione) it's hard to muster the energy to go through the days. But it's almost summer break and I get the joy of going back to the Dursley's! Sounds fun doesn't it. Everyone just assumes that it's not too bad there. Don't get me wrong it could be much worse and I'm not going to press my luck by wishing that things could change because with my luck it would but I would end up, I don't know, stuck in a room with only Mrs. Weasley as company for the rest of life. That would be plain and utter torture. Much worse than the Dursley's or even Voldemort could ever come up with. Glamour spells are a great thing aren't they! No one has ever noticed that I'm constantly wearing one and I hope it always stays that way. I can't imagine the reaction people would have if they found out that their precious 'Savior' has been abused and treated horribly since he could walk. I can just see the faces of everyone when they realize that I never told them. Why would I? They've never given me any reason to suspect that they trust me. Every idea I have they shoot down without even really thinking about it. They assume that I don't have any idea what I'm talking about. I figured out a long time ago that I'm alone even when I'm surrounded by the entire school. No one knows me. And I plan to keep it that way.

- Entry Two -

I'm going to kill Hermione.

It's the only option. She is the most annoying witch I know. Just because I saved her once in first year from a damn troll doesn't give her any right to try and pry into my life. She tried to read my journal! I mean come on! Luckily I had suspected something like that to happen so I, of course, used my much superior knowledge and cast several locking charms on it so the no one except the one with the pass code could open it. And since I'm the only one with the pass code… She wasn't exactly pleased when she came down the stairs from the boy's dormitory (not that she should be up there anyway) with hair that looked like she had been struck by lightening. It was hilarious in my opinion but both Ron and Hermione didn'tthink so. But what do they know about good comedy anyway?

One year left. Just one year left putting up with them and I can be gone. I can disappear. I don't know yet where I want to go… Maybe I'll go to Rome. I've never been able to travel before so I don't know… And I can't even ask Hermione about good places to go because then she would want to know why I needed to know because I can't be allowed to leave because there's a war going on and I can't afford to miss it because of all the lives that would be lost and since I'm the 'Boy-Who-Lived' I have to be there to support morale.

Who asked me if I wanted to be in a war? No one did. So I don't think that I need to fight. It's not my war; I never wanted to have to face Voldemort over and over again trying to kill him. But what do I know? I'm only a sixteen year old boy who (as far as anybody knows) understands nothing about war except what you can lose in it. No one has stepped forward to try and teach me anything. I don't understand any of them. They leave me in situations where I have no knowledge about anything and they expect me to be able to succeed even when all odds are against me.

But there I go again complaining. I'm going to have to watch that. Tomorrow I go back to the Dursley's and I've been told that Hedwig gets to either stay at Hogwarts or she can go to Ron's. Yippee… No communication with anyone for three months! Of course if my Uncle goes too far I'll have no one to go to for help but… I've been thinking about going to the muggle policemen and having Vernon arrested and then becoming emancipated. Wouldn't that be fun?

- Entry Three -

It's funny. The moment that I get off the train I have to take off the glamour's so that my Uncle doesn't see me using magic and guess the one person who notices me. Malfoy. I should have guessed that eventually someone would. But did it really have to be him? I know I don't hate him but since I refused his friendship in first year it's hard to tell if he hates me. Who knows. It'll be interesting when I go back to school but for now I'm not going to let it bother me.

The Order has figured that I'll be fine as long as I don't leave the Dursley's house so their not going to patrol around this summer. That'll give me plenty of time to walk down the police station and turn in Vernon. And it means that no one will notice I'm gone until September when they come to take me to the train station. It's such a perfect plan. And it goes into effect tomorrow. I hate myself without my glamours. All the scars… I really need to start eating better…

_A/N: I hope that this is easier to read than the other way! Thanks for the reviews!  
_


	2. Chapter 2

**-Entry Four-**

The first day back wasn't half as bad as I thought it was going to be. That in itself is surprising because I thought for sure that the moment I walked in that door the Dursley's would be all over me. Pleasant surprise when I was sent straight to my room. Not sure what to say about anything. The first few entries into this were very easy. If anyone got a hold of this (Not that they can with all of my random protective spells on it) they would probably be surprised when they read how jaded I am. Not that there's anything wrong with being jaded.

For me it's been a coping technique. A way to stay sane in a world that that is decidedly less so. I have my few friends in the wizarding world, Ron and Hermione and Ron's family. They love who they think that they know. I hesitate to call him "Gryffindor Harry" because I know that the houses are basically just a way to separate us when we're little. Seriously, look at any adult over the age of 24 and you won't be able to tell what house they were in when they were in Hogwarts.

My friends care and I appreciate that. But it's hard when you feel as if you can't share everything with them. You can't talk with them, you can't tell them what's bothering you. If you do, they just brush it off as if it's not that important and start to talk about petty issues like school.

**-Entry Five-**

This is so silly. I know Hermione thought that this would help my mental health, but right now it just feels silly. Why should I bother writing down all this crap. It seems so pointless. But I promised that I would write as often as I could. And if nothing else, I try and keep my promises.

**-Entry Six-**

Well... This is it. I left the Dursley's. I lasted a week and a half. Even I thought that I would be able to last longer. I figured at least a month. But my dear Uncle Vernon just couldn't keep his temper under control. It's almost funny in a sick way. Made a good decision though. And in the end, what the Order doesn't know won't kill them. Or me hopefully.

It didn't seem like Thursday was going to be any different. Wake up, shower, read, eat what little they'll give me. Listen to the spew of abuse that slides in through my door, just like any other day. I know it seems ridiculous, but I can live with all that. I may end up looking like an anorexic war victim, but I'm still alive. I may forever question my self worth, but I'm still alive to do it. What I can't handle is when they decide that I need to be taught a lesson. It's the feeling of their hands on me, pulling and punching that gets me. Very rarely has Uncle Vernon ever beat me. He's too afraid of what could happen if he does. So when he felt as if he could, I ran. I just ran. I left everything behind and just got the hell out of there. I knew that if he started, he wouldn't stop. He's a man of excess like that.

In the end, it was the best choice I could have ever made I think. Time will tell I suppose. But what I do know is this: No one will ever be able to hurt me again.

**-Entry Seven-**

Fact that I didn't know: Goblins are surprisingly nice. They helped me set up a muggle bank account so I could withdraw money. Currently staying in a nice hotel, funny how throwing around a little money will get things done pretty damn quick.

I just reread my first few entries into this thing. It's weird how even though you're so broken, you can sound so normal when it's all written down. My normal thoughts don't run like this, but when I try and put them on paper, that's how they turn out. Who knows what that says about me. Hermione would probably have some psychiatric answer about it.

My summer plan is currently set in stone. I spent the last week figuring it out. Gonna spend some time traveling the muggle way, planes and trains and all that. Decided that would be the best way to get away from everything without being able to be tracked. Again the goblins were very helpful with that. Pointed me in the direction of the Muggle Liaisons office. I guess I should have expected us to have something like that, I know that tons of muggleborns go to Uni and things after school, but never really thought about it. Seems so far into the future and I guess it's just easier to not think about what the future might hold. What I may or may not be doing. Whether or not I'll be there to experience it.

I never actually thought I would make it to 16, almost 17. I always thought that I would be dead by now, either by my own hand or the hand of the Dursley's. It's hard to look back and think of how hard life was. I've only been away for a few days but it feels like an eternity has gone by. Before Hogwarts I had nothing to look forward to, nothing to live for. And then after, I knew I had to take care of the man who took my parents from me. But now. Who knows what's going to happen now.

**-Entry Eight-**

I don't know what I should do about Malfoy. The fact that he saw beneath my glamour isn't the best thing that's happened. I suppose I could just wait and see what he does about it. If he calls attention to it maybe I can just brush it off as him trying to hurt me. I've never really had to deal with someone seeing beneath it before so not quite sure what the appropriate reaction is.

Not as if I can do anything about it right now. I leave next Tuesday, should be the start to a most excellent adventure.

_Imagine my surprise when going back through all sorts of things I've written I found this. May as well see where it goes!_


	3. Chapter 3

**-Entry Nine**-

So... Airplanes are not nearly as fun as I thought they were going to be. I'll take a broom any day I think I hate it more than apparition and I really hate apparition so that should shed some light on how much I hate flying. But on a good note I am currently in America! I don't think I'm going to stay here for too long, but it'll be nice to say that I actually went. Not sure what to make of everything here really.

And once again I am at a loss of what to write about. Should I be writing about my day to day activities or just what pops into my head as I'm trying to force myself into getting something down on paper. Kinda ridiculous. Maybe I'll stop for a while and pick up when I'm back at school? Though it might be a good idea to have some documentation from my travels.

The more I think about it, the more that I just want to stay in one place for a while. But I can't tell if that will be safer than continually traveling across the world. I just feel like I'm wandering around without a purpose. Right now I have literally no obligations to anyone until I go back to school. I don't think I've ever been able to live for any period of time without them. Even when I was at the Dursley's I was expected to act and do certain things. But now none of that matters.

I don't think that changes me as a person, if anything it's enlightening. I can be whomever I want to be. But honestly I just want to be Harry. I want to be able to not worry, not have to put up with everything just because I managed to survive the killing curse.

**-Entry Ten-**

It's funny how much I've been able to put off thinking about it. So far I've been able to push it off and it hasn't been an issue. But in the end I really can't forget. I can't forget her cackle as he fell through the veil. Can't forget the searing pain from losing just another person. The only one I had left. But I didn't really know Sirius. He saw me and saw my father, I looked at him and saw what could have been.

But I can't live my life like that can I? On what could have beens. He was a great man yes, but after that long in Azkaban he was crazy. And I didn't really know him. How could I? He was only in my life for a brief period of time and most of that was spent alongside other people. And he didn't bother trying to get me away from the Dursley's either.

It's still hard to think about him.

**-Entry 11-**

I got a copy of the Daily Prophet today. Imagine my surprise when my face is plastered across the front. "Special Announcement: Boy-Who-Lived Missing".

Turns out they had one sent to anyone with any magical blood in them. Someone must have went to check up on me finally. It's only been two months, just shows how much they really value my safety. I can only imagine their thought process with that one.

"Let's leave what we consider to be the wizarding world's only hope to live with Muggles who abhor magic and all who use it. Let's not check up on him for 10 years, send a half giant to tell him of his heritage, and then check up on him once or twice a summer from then on."

It's a great picture right? Not that anyone else see's it that way. They just want to me give in to what they consider to be for the best. But how can I do that? I can I sacrifice all that I am just to save them. How do they have the right to even ask me to do it. Not that they even come out and ask, it's all just an expectation.

They all just let Dumbledore lead them on like sheep to the slaughter. He lives by the philosophy that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. I don't see the point in living in a world that would be willing to sacrifice a boy, a child, to a monster just because they are too afraid to do anything about it themselves.

But that doesn't mean I won't do anything about Voldemort. In fact, I'm going to enjoy bringing him down and then disappearing. That way no one can say I didn't do my destiny. It's not like the Harry Potter they think they know exists anyways. Not that I think I'm a Slytherin or anything like that or that my personality is really so different from what they know. It's just that they're all so naive and have no idea what the real world holds. They don't see the pain and the wounds that can be caused by ordinary people. It's only the Death Eaters that could cause any of that. But that's not the truth.

The truth is that no one is ever all that you want them to be. Everyone has their own dirty little secrets. They all have things that they would never admit. For me, it's that I was abused. I was torn down time and time again by the people who were supposed to be my guardians. I was told everyday, for years, how worthless I was and how I would never amount to anything. I was made to question what little self worth I had every moment of everyday.

But I survived. And now I have no idea what to do with my life. I never honestly imagined that I would manage to survive until I was 17, I thought I would be dead long ago. I hesitate to say that I'm suicidal because I've never made a serious attempt on my life, but I definitely used to consider it. It was just so hard to imagine a life past all this. Past everything really. I look at kids around 11 and 12 and I wonder how they do it. I wonder how they hold on to so much innocence when I was so broken at that age. I look at all the scars I received and how I viewed the world then. I don't know how I made it through.

_**So that's chapter 3. Feel free to let me know how it is, I can take it I promise. I really just need to know if I should bother continuing on or not. **_


End file.
